by Bryan Loritts
In the early days of our marriage, the most stressful day of the month was when Korie sat down to balance the checkbook. Back then we did not have convenient apps to do the work. Instead, it took significant time to make sure the checkbook and bank statement were in agreement. This job landed on Korie’s desk because I have an incredible threshold for ambiguity. Not once in all my single adult years did I think to balance my checkbook. Why “waste” precious time when I had a general idea of where things were in my mind? As is the case in most marriages, God gave me a partner who balances me out. Believe me when I tell you, if we are off by a nickel, my wife will spend however long it takes to find that nickel. This process Korie embarked on each month is called reconciliation. Over the years, I have realized many people focus more on ensuring their financial documents are in agreement rather than their own relationships.
If there’s one word that sums up the book of Philemon, it is the word reconciliation. To be sure, reconciliation is not forgiveness. A person can forgive someone without being reconciled, but it is impossible to reconcile without forgiving. In the Christian faith, there are no loopholes for forgiveness. In Matthew 18, Jesus talks of the primacy of forgiveness for His followers and cements His point by telling a parable. An individual who was forgiven ten thousand talents by the king, the equivalent of billions of dollars today, then demanded payment from someone who owed him the equivalent of a number one at a fastfood joint. When the king heard about this person’s unforgiveness, he said his version of “Are you kidding me?” and threw him in jail until he paid the last penny—an impossible task, which meant he would die in jail. Jesus ends his tale by saying we will meet the same fate if we do not forgive people from our hearts. His point is scary: a Christian who does not forgive is a contradiction in terms.
To forgive is to send away the offense, to throw away the scorecard. Corrie ten Boom forgave the Nazi concentration camp guard who played a part in her sister’s death. One octogenarian, after decades of pent-up bitterness toward a father who had wronged him and had long since died, wrote a letter in which he scrawled, “I forgive you,” and left it on his father’s grave. Jonathan Irons extended forgiveness to the prosecutor and officials who threw him in jail for twenty-three years while they knew he was innocent of the crimes he was pronounced guilty of.
As essential as forgiveness is, Paul has his sights set on a higher ethic. He’s after reconciliation, which has to do with the restoration of relationships. Remember, Paul appeals to Philemon to take Onesimus back, no longer as a slave but as a brother. Reconciliation is not an adventure back to the way things were but a sojourn into the desired future. Had Paul merely appealed for a repairing of the relationship, he would have been content with Onesimus returning to his position as a slave and Philemon behind the wheel of the relationship once again. Paul wants friendship, the former slave and slave master, now seated around the table in brotherhood. What sin is to the demise of a friendship, reconciliation is to its future renewal. Because sin continues to permeate all of humanity, there will always be the need for reconciliation.
What sin distorts, reconciliation revitalizes. There is a seminal difference between forgiveness and reconciliation—while there is no loophole for forgiveness because it takes one, there is always a loophole for reconciliation because it demands two. Paul wrote to the Romans, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Romans 12:18). I love this verse because Paul acknowledges that even when you do your absolute best, there will be times reconciliation doesn’t happen because the other person refuses to bring the same energy.
Maybe this is a breath of fresh air for you. There’s a sibling, friend, or acquaintance you haven’t talked to for a significant period of time, a breach brought on by some offense. You’ve called, invited them to coffee, and sent an apology text or email with little to no response. Or if there has been a response, it’s been walls and pushback and resistance. At some point you must tell yourself you’ve done your best while still hoping they will roll up their sleeves and do the work alongside you to renew the relationship.
Paul understands reconciliation requires two, which is why he takes the time to address both Philemon and Onesimus. Clearly, the letter is directed to Philemon in the hopes he will take Onesimus back as a brother. But it’s also clear that Paul has talked to Onesimus, directing him to go back to Colossae and make things right with Philemon. Paul understands if there is any hope for the two to eat at the table of friendship, there must be a dual commitment to do the work of reconciliation.
But what does this work entail? The letter of Philemon centers around three characters who each personify a foundational attribute of the work of reconciliation. Paul, who embodies truth, says some hard, truth-filled things to both Onesimus and Philemon. He tells Onesimus to go back, and he tells Philemon to welcome Onesimus no longer as a slave but now as a brother.
When a relationship flounders, there can be no hope for renewal without truth. We must do what football teams do after the big weekend game: replay the film and investigate the painful truth about what happened, good and bad, but ultimately for the better. This process of truth is hard for the offender because they do not want to be reminded of the hurt they inflicted. But if people are not willing to analyze what happened, they are not ready for reconciliation.
Adapted from Enduring Friendship by Bryan Loritts. ©2024 by Bryan Loritts. Used by permission of InterVarsity Press. www.ivpress.com.
Bryan C. Loritts (DMin, Liberty University) is teaching pastor of the Summit Church in Durham, North Carolina. He has dedicated his life and ministry to seeing the multiethnic church become the new normal in our society. He is also vice president for regions for the Send Network, the church planting arm of the Southern Baptist Convention, where he is responsible for training church planters in multiethnic church planting. He has been a featured speaker at the Global Leadership Summit and Catalyst. His books include Insider Outsider, The Dad Difference, and The Offensive Church. His latest book is entitled Enduring Friendship.