Interpersonal Conflict: Everyone Has It, What Can We Do about It?

by Cara Putman

As a novelist, I write books that are filled with conflict. In The Accused, the characters are wrestling with a trial and conflict with each other. Readers expect it because they want books where bad things happen to the main characters, and those characters ultimately overcome. It makes their stories more interesting and engaging.

But in real life, we don't love it when conflict happens to us. Conflict is uncomfortable. It makes me nervous, twitchy, and willing to do almost anything to make it go away. I’ve learned that stuffing the conflict only leads to eventual eruptions, which leads to deeper pain. Even the best of relationships hit moments and seasons where every word and look rubs the wrong way and is misinterpreted. So what can we do since we’re made of flesh and blood and our conflict is real?

The experts suggest a few things that can help when we are in the middle of heated situations. These tips can provide distance and time to diffuse challenging moments and give us the space to gain perspective. That can be the difference between escalation and realizing that it may not be as important as we thought. At the same time, it may allow us to get help if that’s what we need. What can you do if you find yourself in a charged situation that’s loaded with interpersonal conflict?

First, have I asked God to help me see the person in front of me the way that He sees them? Often He will provide insight that helps me have more patience or understanding for what could cause either of us to be short or lack patience in the moment.

Second, step back and ask, what about the situation is serving as a trigger for me? Is there something that I can learn about myself? What insight can I gain that will help me understand myself more deeply? Something happened the other day, and I ran through this list. A sentence popped out of my mouth that I’m still thinking about. It helped me understand what about that moment made me feel the situation so deeply. From the outside, it was still a big deal, but internally, it felt even larger. Asking myself these questions helped me understand why and gain some understanding about the situation.

Third, can I take that insight and more clearly state how the situation makes me feel so that my comments feel less threatening to the other person? You can’t own the other person’s response, but if you can share how you are feeling in that moment and not point the finger externally, that can help defuse the moment. It’s so easy to turn my words into an unintentional attack by focusing on the other person and what they said or did, which reads intent into the other person’s words and actions. I’m going to get that wrong. Instead, if I focus on how I feel, I ask the person to see into me rather than interpret what they did. It flips the script in a way.

Fourth, have I checked my body language? Have I become closed off? Crossed my arms? Developed a frowning, squinty expression that communicates displeasure? Maybe the reason is I’m cold, but the person I’m talking to will interpret it as if I’m upset or angry with them. Doing a quick check of my body language and then explaining it to the other person could ward off confusion and additional hurt feelings.

Fifth, am I communicating clearly? Or am I assuming the other person should understand when there are information gaps? You know what they say about assuming. Rather than putting everybody in a position of missing information, fill in the gaps and ensure everyone is on the same page. Now you’ve created a better forum for understanding to occur. Then check for transparent, honest, respectful language. Make sure there is no talking down to or gaslighting the other person. As someone told me, give the other person space to land the plane before you start talking. It can be so easy to start talking over the other person if I’m not careful. Don’t defend your position; instead, truly listen before responding. Listening is a key part of communication and conflict resolution.

Finally, be willing to ask for help. Sometimes, bringing in an outside perspective through a neutral party who can serve as a translator or mediator makes all the difference.

Interpersonal conflict follows us through life, just like it makes life difficult for the characters I create in my novels. A few simple principles can help us navigate challenging conversations more productively. Never forgetting to invite God into the middle of the conversation is the best strategy to calm a moment down, but the other tips can bring clarity to the challenging moments, too.

Cara Putman is the award-winning author of more than 40 books. She loves to torture her characters with interpersonal conflict that isn’t resolved until the last pages of the books. Her latest novel, The Accused, released in April 2025.