5 Tips to Be a Great Friend

by Becky Harling

I remember talking with a woman who was facing a number of trials. During the course of our conversation, I asked, “How are you doing Friend-Wise?” There was a long pause. Then she replied with tears, “ I mean, I have a few, but nothing really deep. Most of the time I feel lonely.”

That conversation points to the loneliness epidemic that pervades our culture. Many want friends, but they simply don’t know how to be a good friend. While they may have lots of acquaintances, they lack deep, meaningful connections with them. I often hear when I travel and speak, “I just can’t find community at my church.” As I’ve considered that, I’ve come to the conclusion that if you want great friendships, you must learn to be a great friend yourself.

God knew we needed a little help! He included many relational tips in the Bible. The book of Proverbs, particularly, is loaded with friendship tips. If you put those tips into practice, I guarantee you’ll have the friendships you desire! While there are many, here are five tips to get you started on your friendship journey.

5 Tips to Be a Great Friend

Be Intentional. We are a busy and distracted culture. Everyone has a lot going on and a sense of hurry seems to prevail. The problem is you can’t make friends in a hurry. Friendships take time and intentionality. Proverbs 1:32 says, “For the waywardness of the simple will kill them, and the complacency of fools will destroy them.” At times, we become so busy that friendships fall by the wayside, and we become complacent. The problem is that complacency kills friendships. We need to slow down, take initiative and be intentional. Take a risk. Invite someone to lunch, coffee, or dinner at your house. Join a small group at your church or start a book club in your home. Start small, take a baby step but just don’t sit back and become complacent. Be intentional.

Listen More than You Talk. When you’re out with a friend, practice incarnational listening. What do I mean? Listen with the ears of Jesus to understand what’s going on in your friend’s heart. Learn the art of asking great questions that will draw out your friend. Consider questions like: What’s happening in your life that feels exciting? Or, what’s making you feel stressed or overwhelmed? What’s one dream that you’ve let go in your life that you now wish you hadn’t? Finally ask, how can I pray for you? You won’t know the answers to any of those questions if you don’t focus on listening. Offer your full presence and simply tune in. Proverbs 18:13 reminds us that “To answer before listening- that is folly and shame.” Part of being a great friend is learning to be a great listener.

Be Trustworthy and Keep Confidences. Nothing ruins friendships faster than broken trust. Have you ever confided in a friend, only to have them share that information with someone else? It feels terrible doesn’t it? If a friend confides in you, be trustworthy. Treat their secret like a treasure. Pray with and for your friend, but don’t share their burden with others. “A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret” (Proverbs 11:13). Be a safe friend. A friend who can be trusted to keep confidences.

Laugh Together. Life is often hard. Laughter lightens our load and helps to connect us as friends. Solomon wrote, “A cheerful heart is good medicine” (Proverbs 17:22). No kidding! Just yesterday, my husband and I had lunch with dear friends. We laughed so hard together that we cried. After, we felt so refreshed!! Life holds many challenges, laughter with friends lifts your spirits and relieves the stress. The shared experience of hysterical moments bond and create shared memories. If you want to be a great friend, laugh a little. See the humor in the stories they share. Don’t always be serious. Life is too short not to laugh.

Set Wise Boundaries and Respect Your Friend’s Boundaries. Years ago, I heard the statement, “Boundaries make good neighbors.” That’s true, and they also make good friends. Proverbs 4:23 reminds us to guard our hearts in every area. One way we guard our hearts is to keep good boundaries in place. Boundaries help us avoid having unrealistic expectations and from over-functioning. In the Lord’s prayer, Jesus teaches us to pray, “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” When we trespass on another’s life, we disrespect their boundaries. Learn your limits and respect your friends’ limits. You’ll have a much more fulfilling and healthy friendship.

Friendship is one of God’s greatest gifts and each one is to be richly enjoyed. But in order to cultivate those deep connections we must become friend-wise. Be intentional, listen more than you talk, be trustworthy, laugh together and finally learn to set wise boundaries and respect the boundaries of your friends. I guarantee if you take these steps you’ll find the friends you long for and feel far less lonely!

A best-selling author, Becky Harling has written 16 books. Her most recent book, Friend-Wise, has resonated with women and their need for community. She is a popular speaker at conferences, retreats, and other events. She has a video Bible study series on Right Now Media and is a John Maxwell leadership and communications coach. She loves hiking with her husband, playing with her 14 grandkids, shopping with her daughters, hanging out with her son and having coffee with friends! Connect with Becky at www.beckyharling.com